Mental Illness is something that I hate when people talk about in a negative light, they use the words crazy or messed up. There is such a big stigma around mental illness, there are so many different types of it and so many different levels.
When I was a teenager I felt like a “ball of fire” that is the best way I could describe it…I felt like I was just another emotionally out of control teen who was angry all the time. Now that I look back I think that I was partially just a teenager but it was a sign of what was about to come.
I really don’t remember exact dates because everything was one big tornado when I was 15-18. I remember being 14 when I started having these weird suicidal thoughts when I got mad and upset, I felt like I was alone because I could not talk to my friends about how I felt.
I always fought with my parents over a lot of things that didn’t even matter but I would flip a switch and just be emotionally all over the place. It wasn’t until I was 16/17 when I finally asked my mom and dad for help, I remember sitting on my bathroom floor crying so hard and told her that I needed help.
Not even a few hours after I was on my way to Marilac, A children’s mental hospital. As much as I didn’t want to go I knew that is where I needed to be there. They made me take all my strings out of my shorts, I could only have 2 hair ties, I only could wear t-shirts and I lost my privacy for 5 days.
I remember coming in not knowing what to expect, It was a weird change, there were no doors on bathrooms, I slept on a rock of a mattress, I could only take 5 minute showers with someone standing outside my door and every 15 minutes at night they flashed a light on you to make sure you were still alive.
They gave us a workbooks for our emotions, we had music therapy sessions, we had art class, I talked to about 5 doctors a day. My world turned upside down when the doctor said that I had depression and a bipolar disorder. I was only 16/17 at the time and I became different which was the worst thing in high school because everyone is trying so hard to fit in.
I was immediately put on medicine that pretty much made you emotionless which wasn’t such a bad thing when your emotions always felt out of control.
After my first time I went back to the hospital 2 different times, my last time was two weeks before my 18th birthday and I tried killing myself.
In that moment I did feel like I wanted to end my life and stop my emotions, but after an ambulance came and a trip to the ER I laid in bed and realized that killing myself was not what I wanted.
People say killing yourself is selfish and that makes me so mad. I cannot describe to you how hopeless you feel in that moment when you just want to make it all stop. What’s selfish is bullying people to make them feel like that.
After I was out I still had not found the medicine that works best for me, I tried 10+ different medicines in such a short amount of time because I went to the WRONG doctor for me. Some doctors you don’t always connect with and I feel like they throw a lot of medicine at you to see how they work. I definitely suggest trying different doctors until you find one you like because you will be seeing a lot of them for years to come.
Still to this day I am trying to perfect my medication and I am not embarrassed to tell people.
In college I still struggled, I would get into these depressed “rabbit holes” where I would skip class and lay in bed all day. It was the most painful thing to get out of bed and just survive through the day, I hated to talk to people because it mentally and physically made me so tired.
After falling down another rabbit hole my sophomore year I decided to take a semester off, Which in a previous post was the best decision I could have made for my health. (Thank you mom and dad for being so supportive)
I use to hide all of this from my friends because I didn’t want to be seen as crazy or different but I found out that different is ok, Medicine doesn’t define you, and some people need a little help to get through each day. I do not believe that medicine is a quick fix because I will deal with this the rest of my life but is helpful.
Some days are better than others. I have learned to take each day one at a time because sometimes life is out of our hands and we have to roll with the punches.
Like the octopus in Finding Nemo says “Just keep swimming swimming swimming”
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number